jay reatard died last night

let me get something straight: i didn't know jay reatard. i only ever listened to his music in passing. i admired his ability to write melodies but wrote him off because, to be honest, i was slightly jealous of his success. i remember his stuff kind of reminded me of kent punk mothers kill the hippies. i knew he was good. and i heard he was an asshole.

but he was in a serious relationship with an old friend of mine, which is why i suppose upon hearing of his death today, i felt an emotional resonance to the news. he was 29, roughly ten months younger than me. and it seems reasonable that nobody my age should die in their sleep...at least not of natural causes.

of course, i don't know how he died. but it calls to mind more camera-eye stricken stars and celebutantes like casey johnson and brittany murphy, not that they have anything other than "died young" in common with him, and not to mention the string of young artists who have somewhat dubiously gone in the last years (dash snow, heath ledger), as well as young poets like rachel wezsteon and sarah hannah. it also calls to mind a friend of mine who died a few years ago of an oxycontin overdose. he was 30 years old.

i guess its the same as it ever was - keith moon, jimi, janis, etc. all that shit. these were all young artists (with the exception of johnson) and in each case, if it was an accident, then it was probably because of some self-destructive behavior. either habit or something in their nature.

jennifer michael hecht posted this recently on the best american poetry blog. i commend her efforts on giving the despairing few some glimmers of hope. but i couldn't help reading the entry with a devil's advocate mindset the whole time, piercing holes through the argument with what would seem an equally absurd logic. i have been one of those people. last night i re-read some of camus' myth of sisyphus. i think he is one of the few who wrote on the subject that make an airtight argument towards the validity of existence, one that doesn't patronize the person in question (no offense, jennifer).

i don't mean to imply jay's death as anything other than accidental. its just the thread of these deaths has made me think about it.

don't take too many drugs. what else can i say? be careful out there. if you find life unbearable, do what you need to survive. even if that means taking drugs when you have no way else to cope (keep in mind you'll have to cope, sober or otherwise, sooner or later). it may harm you blah blah blah, but if you have to get drunk tonight, do it. (jennifer michael hecht might suggest video games, but they always make me feel like a loser). there will be a point where you don't need to drink anymore. drugs can come and go. if you need to stay in and chill, i would advise that moreover. if you wanna die, that's something else entirely. but you don't want to accidentally kill yourself. that just sucks. just, whatever you do, don't take too many drugs.